Thomas Jefferson: The Musical

by The Online Musical

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released November 8, 2011

Music: Matt Savarese, Lyrics: Jeff Luppino-Esposito

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The Online Musical New York, New York

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Track Name: Hard Out Here for a Patriot
TOMMY J
Dear John Adams
…of Boston!
I’m lost in a
maze where I can’t seem to
phrase all the laws and the
claims that I gotta write

It’s drivin me mad
But you’re a sensible lad
So I’m beggin you Adams
to help me tonight

Call up the guys
But try to disguise
the fact that I lack a solution

Before the day’s done
we’ll write a declaration
/ Constitution

I fear that I’m clearly out of wit
We fight these Brits just to be legit
We started this shit now it’s too late to quit
It’s hard out here for patriot

Love, Teej

JOHN ADAMS
T-t-t-t-t
Taxation
Representation
Damn TJ man we need a fuckin vacation
nations of the world tryna treat us like girls
stamp act, tramp smacked, man tighten ya curls
cause i got a little plan that demands your attention
it’ll right your writin wrongs that long for intervention
a slumber party
(TJ: what?)
a secret slumber party
(TJ: yeah!)
and if anybody’s tardy I’mma whoop their derrier
so prepare for us to write this shit with alla da crew
let’s hope like hell that they ain’t countin on you
(TJ: My patriotic duty’s an astounding bother as I feared)
Why the hell are you the only founding father with a beard?
(TJ: Am I?)
Yes
(TJ: Weird)

JOHN/TJ
I fear I’m clearly out of wit
We fight these Brits just to feel legit
We started this shit it’s too late to quit
It’s hard out here for patriot

JOHN
Less than three, John

SALLY
Tommy baby
you’re fallin apart

TOMMY
I’m losin my mind
and now you’re stealin my heart
But soon after my slumber party
we will have our chance

SALLY
Write those silly documents
so we can go to France

TOMMY
Writin, fightin
freakin makes me vom
But fire arms are weak
cause baby you are da bomb

SALLY
Promise me Thomas we
won’t let them calm us see
in this affair you are my
diplomat

TOMMY
I swear all my days that
I live in in a haze cause
your love’s like a drug when
you tug my cravat

SALLY
*gasp* Did you hear that?

TOMMY
(nods)

SALLY
I’ll see to it…

JOHN
It’s hard…
SALLY
hard…
TOMMY
hard...
ALL
out here
for a patriot.
Track Name: Queen of Monticello
[Maids]
Someone get the spoons
get the serving plate
we’ll all quickly set the table

Martha’s coming soon
She’s been crazy lately
Oh she’s been so unstable

[MARTHA]
I’m the perfect wife
though I cannot cook

[Maids]
that’s why we are here to please

[MARTHA]
Oh my god that knife

[Maids]
*gasp*! / what? / where?

[MARTHA]
look!
It’s off by at least 3 degrees!

[SALLY]
Sorry I was late
I was in my chamber

[MARTHA]
Take this rag and wipe
Tommy’s favorite chair
and prepare his name card

[SALLY]
Here, let me clean his pipe

[MARTHA]
No!
Only I can clean it inch by inch
Front to back for me it’s just a cinch

[MARTHA]
Gosh I wash it quite a lot
Even when it’s really hot

[SALLY]
Little wifey’s mad she’s gotta reclaim her spot
Don’t you know that I’m the one who empties his chamber pot
I guess you forgot

CHORUS
[SALLY]
With ease I please our monumental fellow
[MARTHA]
I keep this house pristine
[S&M]
I’m the Queen of Monticello

[MARTHA]
I stoke the fire

[SALLY]
I stroke the wood

[MARTHA]
I lay out his attire like a good wife should
I play to his desires this is my domain

[SALLY]
When I’m doin laundry I’m just washin out the stains

[MARTHA]
En-ter-taining guests and scrubbin floors
I’ll never rest till this house is a home

[SALLY]
Don’t suggest that you are all alone
You can do the floors but I will handle the dome

CHORUS
[SALLY]
With ease I please our monumental fellow
[MARTHA]
I keep this house pristine
[S&M]
I’m the Queen of Monticello

Wahoowah Hoos the Queen of Monticello
Wahoowah Hoos the Queen of Monticello


[SALLY]
I sew the holes in the clothes you chose for him

[MARTHA]
I’m quick to hose down his stick ball bat

[SALLY]
I’m an acrobat in the bed when I pose for him

[MARTHA]
He says my love’s like a drug when I tug his cravat!

[SALLY]
His cravat—He tells me that…

[MARTHA]
Acrobat… he’s sleeping with you?

[SALLY]
…He loves you?

[S&M]
Founding Fucker
Track Name: In Tom We Trust
ALEXANDER HAMILTON
Did anybody else notice how dinner was just really… fun?

THOMAS JEFFERSON
SLUMBER PARTY ROLL CALL!!!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
What? I’m the General. Red coats? [Cemeteries!]
I only chop trees when I’m not poppin cherries

ALL: Oooohhh

ALEXANDER HAMILTON
I’M THE HEAD OF THE FED AND I AIN’T NO FOOL
AND IF YOU WANNA TEST THAT I SUGGEST WE HAVE A DUEL

ALL: Burrrrrrrrrrrrr

JOHN ADAMS
You know I’m on a mission to support this landmass
With the alien sedition I’ll deport yo lame ass

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
BENJAMINS, BIFOCALS, KEYS ON A KITE
I’LL GIVE YOU A SHOCKER CAUSE I’M DOIN IT RIGHT

JAMES MADISON
I AIN’T GONNA BRAG ‘BOUT MY CONTRIBUTION
BUT I THINK IT’S TIME WE GET DOWN
TO THIS CONSTITUTION

ALL
DECLARATION OF CONSTITUTION (repeat)

JOHN ADAMS
INDEPENDENCE GOTTA GET OUR RIGHTS

BEN FRANKLIN
ALL THE DOCUMENTS WE DOIN TONIGHT

GEORGE WASHINGTON
BRING IT BRITAIN ARE YOU READY TO FIGHT

ALL:
TELL US TOMMY TELL US WHAT TO WRITE
TELL US TOMMY

BEN FRANKLIN
OH SHIT! IT’S THE MONTICELL-HOES!

MARTHA
HOW YOU BOYS GONNA START A REVOLUTION?

BOYS
WE’LL WRITE A DECLARATION OF CONSTITUTION

SALLY
WHO THE HELL COULD WRITE IT OUTTA ALL’A YOU FOOLS

BOYS
WE’RE COUNTIN ON THOMAS HE’S GOT ALL’A THE TOOLS

S & M
*giggle* TOOLS??
NO NO NO NO!

SALLY
IF YOU WANT TO START A NATION
HE’S NO MAN TO IDOLIZE

MARTHA
GOT NO FATHERLY FOUNDATION
WRITIN LAWS? INVENTIN LIES

HAMILTON
NOW I’M NO FAN OF TOMMY J
BUT I’M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT

S/M
WELL GO AHEAD TJ, WRITE IT YOUR WAY,
BETTER LOOSEN YOUR CRAVAT

WOMEN + MEN
TELL US TOMMY
TELL US WHAT TO WRITE

TELL US TOMMY


JOHN ADAMS
THE MONARCH’S BEEN UNJUST

WOMEN (+MEN)
IN TOM WE TRUST

TOMMY
WELL I’D LIKE TO CITE THAT IT’S EVERY MAN’S RIGHT
TO YELL FIRE IN A THE-ATRE

SALLY
EVEN GUYS LIKE YOU WHO ARE NOT
WELL-ENDOWED BY THEIR CREATOR?

TOMMY
YES! NO I’M JUST TRYIN TO SHOW
THAT IF YOU WANT TO BE A HATER
I THINK YOU CAN, AS LONG AS YOU’RE A MAN

MARTHA
WELL YOU’RE THE MASTER DEBATER!

FOUNDING FATHERS
HA HA HA

THOMAS
GIVING MEN WOLF LEGS IS NO HARM
I LEARNED THAT FROM THE FRANKS

MARTHA
I THINK HE MEANS THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS
BUT HE’S JUST SHOOTIN BLANKS

THOMAS
I’LL TAKE YA TO COURT YOU DIRTY WENCH
LIKE I TOOK YOU DOWN THE AISLE

SALLY
AND AS LONG AS TOMMY’S ON THE BENCH
SHE’S GUARANTEED A SPEEDY TRIAL

WOMEN + MEN
TELL US TOMMY
TELL US WHAT TO WRITE

TELL US TOMMY

JAMES MADISON
NOW THIS IS ALL TIGHT BUT WE STILL GOTTA WRITE
THE REST OF THIS THINGAMAJIG

ALEXANDER HAMILTON
SHOW SOME FIGHT OR SAY GOODNIGHT
DEM BITCHES SHAT ON YO’ WIG

THOMAS JEFFERSON
THEIR FUN IS DONE, DON’T JUMP THE GUN
I WON’T BE MADE A LOUSE

HOW BOUT IT JOHN? LET’S CARRY ON
I’M STILL THE MAN OF THE HOUSE

JOHN ADAMS
HERE’S WHERE OUR IDEALS MAY CLASH
THIS COUNTRY NEEDS SOME DOUGH

SALLY
CONGRESS CAN COLLECT THE CASH
THOMAS
EVEN WITHOUT PASSING ‘GO’? !

BEN FRANKLIN
OHHHHH…

THOMAS
NOO!

FOUNDING FATHERS + LADIES
OH OH OH!

BEN FRANKLIN
I’VE AN IDEA FOR A BOOK
IT WOULD BE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SEQUEL
I JUST NEED A HOOK

THOMAS
LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS!

SALLY
For his autobiographical sequel??

MARTHA
Ugh, All men are created equal…

BEN FRANKLIN
That’s perfect!!!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
IF SOMEONE STEALS MY PRECIOUS FIFE
CAN WE KILL HIM? WHAT’S THE RULE?

MARTHA
YOU COULD MAKE HIM TOMMY’S WIFE
BUT THAT WOULD BE A PUNISHMENT UNUSUAL AND CRUEL

SALLY
THAT WOULD BE A PUNISHMENT UNUSUAL AND CRUEL

ALL
THAT WOULD BE A PUNISHMENT UNUSUAL AND CRUEL

ALL
THE MONARCH’S BEEN UNJUST

ALL
HE’S TRIGGERED OUR DISGUST

BEN FRANKLIN
I LIKE MY SANDWICH SANS THE CRUST!

MEN
IN TOM WE TRUUUUUUUUUUUST

WOMEN
WE’VE HEARD ENOUGH OF THAT
YOU CAN TUG YOUR OWN CRAVAT

NOW THAT YOU’VE BEEN BUSTED
IN TOM WE
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